How I Lost God and Found My Way (Part 4)

Listen to the story of how I met Jesus (Yeshua) in a vision, in 1987, which eventually led me back to God…with a whole new understanding of God.

 


Coming Out of the Closet: Can I get a witness?

coming out 6Here’s my secret: For the past 29 years, I’ve had a profound relationship with Jesus. I call him Yeshua. You can listen to the story of how I met him, here. Yeshua is my teacher, my healer, my elder spiritual brother, and my friend. He’s shown me a path to awakening that speaks to my heart and soul and blows my mind, every day. I am deeply grateful for what he has given me and shown me, on the path of Christ Consciousness (aka Unity Consciousness). My love is not only for Yeshua, but for those joined with him in the Christ Council, including Mary Magdalene, Mother Mary, and others of the Christ/Magdalene lineage. This is my lineage.

I wrestled with the decision to “come out” for about six months. I worried about how people would react…how you would react. I was afraid you’d judge me as a crazy fanatic, or that you’d think I was a born-again Christian, or that you’d be afraid I would try to evangelize you. Rest assured, I am not a fundamentalist nor an evangelical, and I’m not even a Christian. I don’t adhere to any religion and I don’t follow the bible. I’m a mystic, which means I have a personal, direct relationship with the Divine. The Yeshua that I know and love is the one who speaks through His contemporary teachings, including A Course in MiraclesA Course of Love, and The Way of Mastery.

As I was deciding whether or not to “come out”, I kept asking myself, “Why does it matter? Why is it important to come out publicly about my love of Yeshua?”

I uncovered three answers to that question:

  • When I acknowledge and affirm my relationship with Him, my heart opens to a greater breadth and depth. It expands my ability to love.
  • I need to stop holding back. When I hold back, I dim my light. Holding back is a strain, and it makes me feel like I’m squished inside a little box.
  • I want to stop holding out on you. I have such powerful wisdom to share, but it’s radical, and not everyone is ready for it. But if you want to wake up to your True Self and wake down, to fully embody your Divine Human Self, I invite you to join me in the Awakening Sanctuary.

I needed to “come out” in order to free myself…to free my authentic voice and speak from my inner knowing. Thank you for being my witness. My hope is that by freeing myself in front of you, it will also free something within you.

I hope you will unleash your authentic voice and speak from your inner knowing. What’s your secret passion? What truth have you been holding back? You are a unique expression of the Divine. No one else can be you. You are essential to the whole. Bring it!

Is there something you want to “come out” about, but you’re not ready to go public? Share it with me in an email. I will be honored to be your witness.

 


Soul Contracts and Forgiveness

This article is Part 2 in a series prompted by my second Saturn return and reflections on a painful turning point in my life. In Part 1: Defining Moments, or “How I Lost God and Found My Way” I tell the story of leaving behind the religion of my family lineage to set forth on a solo quest for Truth.

To recap: I was 12 years old when I broke the news to my mother that I didn’t believe in Judaism. At that age, I didn’t have the inner resources to deal with the conflict that followed. I was too afraid to stand up to my mother’s authority when she told me, “You’re too young to know what you think”. This statement hurt me deeply, and in an unconscious attempt to protect myself, I shut down. I held on to my hurt and anger for a very long time, and I saw myself as a victim in this scenario. Now I’m taking a new look at my old story.

Part 2: Soul Contracts and Forgivenesssaturn_1509887c

The first glimmering of forgiveness toward my mother came when I began studying astrology. One day, I read about Saturn in Sagittarius (which is where Saturn is in my birth chart). The astrology book said, “People with Saturn in Sagittarius are often born into a family with a dogmatic religious orientation. They need to learn to find their own spiritual path.” I suddenly saw my rejection of Judaism and my conflict with my mother from a cosmic perspective. I saw that it had all been perfectly designed by a higher intelligence for the benefit of my spiritual evolution.

From this perspective, my painful experience was not my mother’s fault. It wasn’t Judaism’s fault. It wasn’t my fault. In fact, it wasn’t a “fault” or a mistake or even a problem. As Byron Katie says, “Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon, nor too late. You don’t have to like it…it’s just easier if you do.”

Astrology taught me that my deeply personal story (being born into a conservative religious family, longing to be close to God, becoming disillusioned, and setting off to find my way, alone) was also the archetypal story of Saturn in Sagittarius’ quest for Truth. I knew intuitively that having Saturn in Sag. was no coincidence. I saw that my soul chose to come into this religious family for a reason. My religious upbringing gave me something to push against, Saturn wall quotewhich gave me the impetus to start searching for another way…a way that would truly feed my spiritual hunger…a way better designed to wake me up…a way that I would need to forge, myself, without an outer authority telling me what to believe or how to express my spirituality.

When I realized that my painful experience had a higher purpose and that on some level I had chosen this experience, it became clear to me that my parents were simply playing the roles assigned to them. They were not against me, they were actually FOR my spiritual evolution (although they weren’t aware of this, consciously). We were all in cahoots in creating and enacting this drama. It was a soul contract between us, and we’d played our parts perfectly. How could there be any blame?

opening door w sunNow there was a huge crack in the solidified and entrenched belief that I was a victim. Through that crack, the light of forgiveness began to filter into my mind. I wish I could tell you that this first light of forgiveness completely dissolved my long-held anger and resentment. Over the years, I’ve worked with forgiveness lessons from A Course in Miracles and The Way of Mastery, I’ve taught others about forgiveness (we teach what we’re learning), and I’ve worked on this with The Work of Byron Katie. I’ve been in psychotherapy and even did a mother-daughter workshop with my Mom, many years ago. All of these things have been helpful, and I still have some forgiving yet to do. For me, forgiveness is many-layered, and I’m still in process.

Understanding that things don’t just happen to us, randomly, and that we have soul contracts with the major players in our lives, helps me accept and value my challenging relationships. I’m curious how this notion of “soul contracts” sits with you. Does it ring true for you, at an intuitive level? Does it affect your ability to forgive? Please leave a comment, below.

Writing this series of articles has prompted me to go deeply within and continue working with my forgiveness process. Click here for Part 3: Four Dimensions of Forgiveness

Click here for Part 4: How I Came Back to God


Looking in the Mirror

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In each and every moment, you cannot be a victim of what you see, and nothing is outside of you. What you experience, you have directly and deliberately called to yourself. If you hold the thought, “I do not like what I have called to myself,” that is perfectly fine…Merely look with the wonder of a child, and see what it feels like, and ask yourself, “Is this an energy I wish to continue in, or would I choose something else?                                  -Jeshua, The Way of Mastery

When I was first exposed to this idea, through A Course in Miracles, I felt a lot of resistance.  “What do you mean, I’m responsible for what I see?!?”  I protested. “I certainly didn’t ask for the emotional abuse I experienced in my first serious relationship. I didn’t send a request to the universe, asking for  a neck injury. I didn’t put in my order for an unbridgeable rift between me and my father.”

I wanted to push these painful experiences away.  I wanted to dis-identify with them. I wanted to believe that these things just happened to me, but they weren’t connected to something within me.

I know I’m not alone in having this kind of reaction to the spiritual principle of “taking responsibility”.  I’ve seen many spiritual seekers struggle with, and reject, this idea. The reason why it is so difficult to accept is because, when we’re first introduced to the idea that we’re responsible for what we see, the following thoughts tend to arise:

  •  If I’m responsible, then I lose the option of seeing myself as a victim. I cannot project blame outside of me.
  • If I’m responsible, then somehow I’m guilty…guilty of creating these distressing experiences. That leads to a downward spiral of self-blame. People often ask, “Why did I create that?” with a tone of self-condemnation.

Please, don’t go down that spiral. Instead, let’s take a few steps back. Before we can gently and graciously accept responsibility, we must stand firmly rooted in the awareness of our innocence. At times, we all make mistakes. We all act from unconscious patterns. We all let fear guide many of our choices. Yet our True Nature is innocence. Our True Nature is love. Our True Nature is beyond the personality, and even beyond the soul.

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Take a few moments and let yourself rest into that feeling of your innocence. Let your awareness expand, out, beyond your body and your personality.  Identify with the fullness and spaciousness of your True Nature.

Breathe in the love that is your very Being.  You are perfect, whole, and complete. You are loved and loving.

Now that you’re rooted into who you really are, let’s take another look at the idea that you’re responsible for what you see. I encourage you to look at this from the perspective of the soul’s evolution: We each come into this incarnation with old baggage, old conditioning, which the soul carries as an energetic imprint. You might call it a “pattern” or a “vibration”. This energetic pattern attracts to itself relationships and situations that are in resonance with it. Mostly, this happens on an unconscious, energetic level. We do not consciously think, “I want to have painful and distressing experiences.”

What drives this process is not so much our thoughts, nor our behaviors. It comes from a much deeper place. Our unsavory experiences reflect aspects of the old, stuck patterns and false beliefs we’ve brought in, on a soul level. The good news is, we’re not doomed to eternal repetition of these patterns. Taking responsibility, by seeing that what we’re experiencing is a reflection of our own soul patterns, is what gives us the power to choose again…to choose for something different.

The evolutionary purpose of this reflective process is to show us where we’re still stuck, so we can disentangle ourselves. Our undesirable manifestations are there to show us what we don’t want to keep repeating. We get to see what we’ve believed, which isn’t really true, so we can let the false beliefs go. Our experiences serve as a mirror to what’s going on within our own unconscious, including the things in the shadow, that we do not want to see.

shadow is an illusion.web

When we know we’re basically innocent, when there is no investment in either guilt or blame, it is empowering to take responsibility for our own experience. When the old patterns are seen through, as mere shadows from our conditioning, we realize they have no power to hold us back. Then we can let them go, and choose again.

And don’t forget, you’re responsible for all the cool stuff you see in your life, too!

Please leave me a comment, and let me know how this lands for you. Do you feel resistance? Empowerment?  Bewilderment?


Beware the Inner Critic in Disguise

angel costume

It is definitely a trick, and not a treat, when your Inner Critic shows up at your door, disguised as your most Angelic Spiritual Self.  She seems quite believable, while she rattles off an endless list of everything you’re not doing right. She’s acutely aware of what you should be doing to elevate your consciousness.  But you’re not.  If you’d only listen to her, you would become a much more holy, enlightened, and perfect being.  She cracks the whip on you, trying her damnedest to get your lazy-ass self to evolve. “You should be more compassionate”,  she says.  “You shouldn’t judge people.” “You shouldn’t get so angry.” “You shouldn’t keep repeating those same stupid patterns.”  She rants on and on, day and night.

Now, hold on just a minute.  Does this seem like the way an angel or an evolved being would treat someone?  She’s mean to you.  She puts you down.  She makes you feel like s–t.  No, that’s no angel.  That’s the same old Inner Critic that’s been beating you up and shaming you for decades.  It’s just that now, she has an agenda for your spiritual life, too.

If you catch your Critic wearing angel’s wings, realize she has good intentions.  She really does want to help you improve yourself and your life.  It’s just that she’s going about it in a way that’s not helpful.  It’s hurtful.

Your True Self is already who you are, but it’s hard to see that when you’re under the spell of the Inner Critic.  How about calling forth your Inner Compassionate One, instead?  Ask her to talk to you. What would she say about you?  How does she see you?  How can she support you in seeing through the negative, false beliefs about yourself?  Let her embrace you with love, as she lights the way to remembering who you really are.

 


Seeking and Finding

NM rainbow

The ego’s prime dictate is, “Seek, but do not find.”  What a perfect recipe for eternal frustration!  While the ego, or  “false self”,  looks through false eyes, it cannot see what’s right in front of it’s face and behind it’s own eyes.  What the ego is after is always right around the corner.  It leads us on the proverbial quest to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and leaves us empty handed.

As a spiritual seeker, how can you find the Truth and Liberation you seek?  First, stop identifying as a “spiritual seeker” and choose to be a “finder”.  Accept the idea that you can and will find what your heart and soul are longing to experience.

Next, fire that darn ego as your guide.  It will only lead to one dead end after another.

Who or what, then, shall be the guide?  The guides to Truth and Liberation are many.  Spiritual teachers, both living and dead, spirit guides, angels, ascended masters, the Holy Spirit, God, intuition, Mother Nature, animal and plant spirits, the Still Small Voice, within…any and all of these guides can be very helpful.  Yet, they do not really take you anywhere, for your Being is always, already fully present, right where you are.  moon over sunset cloudsThese teachers and guides, with their fingers pointing at the moon, can’t give you the moon nor fly you there.  No one can give you what you already are.  True guides are more like really good friends who can clearly see who you are…as well as who you aren’t…and always remind you of your True Nature…our shared True Nature.

True guides are also able to give you tools or practices that help thin the veil that the false self is wrapped up in.  One of the most powerful tools is inquiry, which simply means “questioning”.  Remember those bumper stickers that say, “Question Authority”?  Well, question the authority of those voices in your head.  When thoughts arise that make you feel guilty or worthless or afraid, look straight at them and ask, “Is it true?”  Byron Katie has developed a simple, elegant tool for inquiry called “The Four Questions”.

Another effective form of inquiry is to deeply consider, “Who am I?” or “What am I?”  Although at first glance, those may seem like ridiculous questions, the process can take you to the very truth of your Being.  Contemporary teacher, Adyashanti, clearly describes how to engage in “Authentic Inquiry”.  Through this process, the veil can dissolve, and your radiant Self shines forth.   Fortunately, inquiry doesn’t require that you subscribe to any religious beliefs, perform rituals, or sit for long periods of meditation.  It does require a fierce determination to sincerely investigate  the thoughts, beliefs, opinions, and habitual perspectives that are limiting your awareness of “What Is”.

One more ingredient to the recipe for “finding” is to be as compassionate and accepting of yourself as you can be.  Using the inner sledgehammer to beat yourself up for not being spiritual enough, not being awake enough, not loving enough, or not being able to see clearly enough, is a sure-fire way to NOT liberate yourself.  Of course it’s nice to be compassionate and accepting of others, but it’s also important to practice on yourself.  You’re always there to practice on!  Softening into self-compassion will hasten clarity of vision.

Do you need to go to India to find Truth?  Do you need to meditate for 30 years?  Do you need to follow Jesus?  Do you need to understand complicated spiritual philosophies?

Maybe…if that is part of your journey…if that is part of what draws you back to what is always, already here.
taos mtn in clouds 1Yet, truly, there is nowhere to go.  You’ve been found.  Your Being could never lose you, nor could your Being ever be lost.  It was simply overlooked, masked by a veil that seemed impenetrable.  You’ve been looking through the false eyes of the false self and seeing what’s not there.  The mountain, obscured by the clouds, still stands secure in it’s nature.  You are that amazing, beautiful, everlasting mountain.  Your True Self stands secure, changeless, and limitless…and it’s actually in plain sight…for those with eyes to see.  I trust you.  You can see it!